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JOKES, FUNNY PICS & VIDEOS PAGE.

Alan Mikkos discussion is now getting flodded with gags. That's great and I dont want to undermine his fantastic page that lets us all get some comic relief from the everyday bad news of dealing with everything from Krudd to the floods in QLD.

Firstly, I would like Alans permission to set up this piece as opposed to his baby.

If its OK with Alan, then lets have some (more) fun. If Al thinks I'm imposing on his turf, I'm OK with that too. What do you think Alan and mate I wont be offended if you would like all gags to continue to be put upon your discussion. I will be very happy to do so myself.

Cheers,

Bren.

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Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Merv Nash on June 27, 2012 at 6:28pm

Even a dictionary of naughty words won't make you or anyone else any taller.

You could try standing on an old fashioned computer monitor. They're throwing them out, you know.

Ebony Jackson said:

ha ha ha, that is good Jan, I'm rolling on the foor with Jimmy Barnes laughing.

You are all sooo jealous, I know, god if he would only lose the smokes and stop with the domestic violence!

Any way

I am just under 5 ft tall, or 150 cm.

It kills me when the light bulbs need changing, and my bathroom exhaust fan is clogged with mould, cos I can't reach the bloody thing, even on a ladder.

Dropping the f bomb is useless too - but it is so liberating during other times of stress.

I am seriously pondering (not navel gaining) but pondering over the possibilty I could become filthy rich as a bogan lass, by writing a new edition dictionary of swear words to use in desperate times.

Ordinary words just don't cut it when you live alone and are a bit short one end.

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Permalink Reply by Jan Courtney on June 29, 2012 at 8:52am

I generally delete "jokes" I receive about Muslims as I see them as being divisive, but this one genuinely made me laugh, so hang the "being responsible" stuff -

I told her she had three beautiful children.
OK, so my mistake.
She didn't have to get all snotty about it.

It really was an honest mistake . . . . .

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Permalink Reply by Rob Moore on June 30, 2012 at 1:03pm

Good one Jan.

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Permalink Reply by Jan Courtney on July 10, 2012 at 2:19pm

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when suddenly the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mates mobile phone and demanded: " Where the hell are you? "

Husband: " Darling, d'you remember that jeweller's shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said Baby it'll be yours one day. "

Wife, with a smile blushing: "Yes, I remember that my love. "

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub right next to that. "

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Permalink Reply by Jan Courtney on July 10, 2012 at 3:19pm

You sure that is you, Jan? It sounds more like John Leal!

Geoff, my Kiwi Bro-in-law sent it to me, so that probably explains it.

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Permalink Reply by Graham Clune on July 20, 2012 at 8:54pm

My nephew just sent this....just had to share it....

Subject: Fw: Queenslanders never brag

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland ..
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy
pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "Had him circumcised!"

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Permalink Reply by Dr Caroline Wright on July 20, 2012 at 9:31pm

The surgeon scalpel must have slipped (and then some). Good joke Graham I enjoyed it.

Kind regards

Caroline

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Permalink Reply by Jan Courtney on July 22, 2012 at 2:36pm

A group of men lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. Eventually one was transferred to another city. and they were unable to find a fourth to play.

A new woman had joined their Club and s he overheard the men talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three men looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.

Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem and she may be up to 15 minutes late on occasion, would that be alright ?.

They rolled their eyes, but said agreed to it.

She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the fellows were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three men were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.. They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late and played right-handed, narrowly beating all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.

Back in the clubhouse after a couple of beers, curioswity won over and one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.."When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth.

When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit.

Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The mens on the team thought this was hysterical..Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She just smiled and said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

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Permalink Reply by Jan Courtney on July 26, 2012 at 10:42am

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.. "Did you find the
shampoo?"

Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

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Permalink Reply by Dennis "DARBY" Brierley on July 26, 2012 at 2:24pm

My wife left a note on the firdge door this morning ......

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore. I've gone to stay at mums"

I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold .......

I have no idea what she was on about .......

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Permalink Reply by Dr Caroline Wright on July 26, 2012 at 2:41pm

The man known as 'the old bugger' an original older comedian on Australia's Got Talent told the following joke last night (it goes something like this):

"He woke up one morning and his wife was asleep so he dressed and went to the shop and bought a cup of coffee and the paper to read. Unfortunately he spilt the very hot coffee on his groin area and ran home to tell his wife. She takes him to the doctor who attends to the burnt area and then give him a card of Viagra Tablets. His wife looks and the tablets and gets a glint in her eye and the doctor says these are not for your benefit these are to keep the sheets off his burnt area".

My question is Why can not you kill two birds with the one stone (tablet)?

By the way I liked the fridge joke Dennis.

Kind regards

Caroline