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Permalink Reply by Brendan Michael on March 7, 2010 at 10:49am

These students are future leaders.

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Permalink Reply by Brendan Michael on March 7, 2010 at 3:27pm

SPOTTED: Strange signs.


In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundrette: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

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Permalink Reply by Brendan Michael on March 7, 2010 at 5:26pm

Ebony, all contributions welcomed. Think I'll hit the road.

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Permalink Reply by Laurel Ender on March 7, 2010 at 8:14pm

Picture of a man seconds away from death!

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Permalink Reply by Laurel Ender on March 7, 2010 at 8:17pm

With Winter approaching........







Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


scroll down:-)


























"Freeze a jolly good fellow."




"Then they kick him in the ice hole."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

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Permalink Reply by Dinah Aram on March 7, 2010 at 9:10pm

Ok here's my contribution.....

It's a slow day in Gulargumbone.


The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from Sydney is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich Traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the RUDD Government is conducting business today.

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Permalink Reply by Laurel Ender on March 7, 2010 at 10:35pm

I am SO very tempted to use this one for real :-)

A TRIP TO THE SUPERMARKET

Yesterday I was at my local supermarket buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pooch, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 20 kilos before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pant pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no,



I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's bum and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

The supermarket won't let me shop there anymore.

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Permalink Reply by Brendan Michael on March 8, 2010 at 9:16pm

A guy, Stan, decides its time to get rid of his missus. Down the pub, he asks around as to where he can find a hitman. He gets a phone number for a guy called Arthur. He ring and arranges a meeting. He arrives at the agreed time and place and is surprised to see that Arthur is an old school mate.
They talk about old times and finally get around to the hit.

"How much to do the job" he asks

"Mate" says Arthur, "because we were such good mates, I'll do it for free".

"No, no" says Stan, "Think of your reputation. Iv'e gotta pay you something."

"OK" says Artie, "I'll chagre you $1."

So Stan explaines that his missus goes to Coles every Friday at 2pm. She always wears the same Polka Dot Dress, so she is an easy mark.

So down to Coles on Friday goes Arti. Sure enouguh he spies this woman in a red polka dot dress in the frozen goods area. He waits until the coast is clear, sneaks up behind her & throttles her & stuffs the body into a freezer.

Job done, he starts to leave, when he spies another woman in a red polka dot dress. What to do? So he throttles her too, stuffs her body into another freezer and bolts.

Headlines in the next days paper: (SCROLL RIGHT DOWN)










ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT COLES.
Groan Now.

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Permalink Reply by Janet H. Thompson on March 8, 2010 at 10:53pm

Ebony, you are so cute! ROFLMAO!

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Permalink Reply by Janet H. Thompson on March 8, 2010 at 10:55pm

Groooooaaaaaan. But still smiling!

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Permalink Reply by John Leal on March 10, 2010 at 9:10am

Ebony, yes and yes. :)

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Permalink Reply by Laurel Ender on March 12, 2010 at 11:45pm

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK', she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first; a horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet a deer poops little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s***?
-----------------------
I think the strangers name was Gore..or pachauri?
Andris, I laughed. I like the sign description.
theres an old gag about Ray Charles Funeral booklets..
they also were in Braille.

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