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Permalink Reply by Barbara lee on April 23, 2012 at 12:54am

Hello to all, This lady was told that if she bathed in milk her skin would be lovely and soft, hers was feeling wrinkled and old, and so she left a note out for the milkman that night, and had written on a piece of paper that she would like a 100 bottles of milk please and tuck it into the side of the milk bottle.   The milkman came in the next morning read the note, look at it and shook his head, thought too many o’s on the end,  can’t be right, thought he better ring on the door bell to make sure.  And so the lady came to the door, and he said, do you need only 1 bottle, she said no I do need 100, he said what for lady, she said I would love to have a milk bath to soften my skin, he said mm,  well do you need it to be pasteurized, she said no just up to my chin.

You had to be there, we all just laughed, his a great priest.  It’s a real pleasure going to church with father Terry being there.

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Permalink Reply by Barbara lee on April 25, 2012 at 8:35am

Had a chuckle over that one

Dale Stiller said:

WET T-SHIRT CONTEST

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Permalink Reply by Barbara lee on April 28, 2012 at 12:10am

 Hello to everyone this was an email sent to me

Grandma & Grandpa 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting 
Their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Vi gra in 
His son's medicine cabinet, he asked 
About using one of the pills. 

The son said, "I don't think you should  
Take one Dad; they're very strong 
And very expensive." 

"How much?" asked Grandpa. 

"$10. A pill," Answered the son. 

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to 
Try one, and before we leave in the 
Morning, I'll put the money 
Under the pillow." 

Later the next morning, the son found 
$110 under the pillow. He called 
Grandpa and said, "I told 
You each pill was 
$10, not $110. 

"I know," said Grandpa. "The 
Hundred is from 
Grandma!" 

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Permalink Reply by Rob Moore on April 28, 2012 at 5:20pm

Seniors Banking.                     PRICELESS!! Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30.00 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH #1. To make an appointment to see me #2. To query a missing payment. #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier. #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9  #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

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Permalink Reply by Jeff Hutcho on April 28, 2012 at 6:27pm

Bro'al,

I've got some clientele just like that Little Old Lady (LOL)

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Permalink Reply by Michael Petterson on April 28, 2012 at 6:29pm

I hope you don't mind Rob but I've copied it to FB as I thought people could use a bit of humor for the week.

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Permalink Reply by Barbara lee on April 28, 2012 at 7:06pm

Brilliant Rob, enjoyed reading this all the way through made my Saturday night.

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Permalink Reply by Rob Moore on May 6, 2012 at 4:29pm

VERN'S FUNERAL Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends  Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every  Saturday.  His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,  So for his birthday she takes him to a local  Strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says,  "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to  This club before.  "Oh no," says Vern. Sans MS""> "He's in my bowling league ." When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern  If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable  And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her  Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all  Over him and says...  "Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Vern's wife, now furious, New Roman"">Grabs her purse and  Storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in  Beside her. Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper  Must have mistaken him for someone else,  But his wife is having none of it  She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,  Calling him every 4 letter word in the book.. The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real b%&ch this time.' VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.

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Permalink Reply by Merv Nash on May 7, 2012 at 10:49am

2 Mexicans .............. wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....




Ees...... . . . . . . .






Ees.....           






Ees.....          






Ees.....






Ees.....






Ees.....







Ees.....          Ees, a Ham Bush"

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Permalink Reply by Rory Donnellan on May 9, 2012 at 8:09am

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Australia. Panic stricken, the local police inspector mobilised and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The inspector and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted a farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "John " the inspector yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen"?

"Yep. Sure did", the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. "Do you realise that is the Prime Ministers RAAF 737, the aeroplane of the Prime Minister of Australia"?

"Yep." The farmer replied. "Were there any survivors"? "Nope. They's all got killed straight out", the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning".  "Gillard is dead"? the inspector asked.

"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.  "She kept saying she wasn't... But you know what a liar she is ...".

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Permalink Reply by Rory Donnellan on May 9, 2012 at 2:16pm

Some of you may have heard this apparently true story about the soldier playing cards in Church:
During the North African Campaign, a bunch of soldier boys had been on a long hike.
They arrived in a little town called Casino.
The next morning being Sunday, several of the boys went to church.
A sergeant commanded the boys in church.

After the Chaplain read the prayer, the text was taken up next.
Those of the boys that had a prayer book took them out.
One boy had only a deck of cards, and he spread them out.
The sergeant saw the cards and said, "Soldier, put away those cards."
After the service was over, the soldier was taken prisoner and brought before the Provost Marshall.

The Marshall said, "Sergeant, why have you brought this man here?"
"For playing cards in church, Sir," was the response.
The Marshall asked the soldier, "And what have you to say for yourself, son?"
"Much, Sir," replied the soldier.
The Marshall stated, "I hope so, for if not I will punish you more than any man was ever punished."
The soldier said, "Sir, I have been on the march for about six months.
I have neither bible nor a prayer book, but I hope to satisfy you, sir, with the purity of my intentions."
And with that, the boy started his story ...

"You see, sir, when I look at the Ace, it reminds me that there is but one God.
And the deuce reminds me that the bible is divided into two parts: the Old and the New Testaments.
When I see the trey, I think of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
And when I see the four, I think of the four evangelists who preached the Gospel: there was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
And when I see the five, it reminds me of the five wise virgins who trimmed their lamps;
there were ten of them: five were wise and were saved, five were foolish and were shut out.
When I see the six, it reminds me that in six days God made this heaven and earth.
And when I see the seven, it reminds me that on the seventh day, God rested from his great work.
And when I see the eight, I think of the eight righteous persons that
God saved when he destroyed the earth: there was Noah, his wife, their sons and their wives.
And when I see the nine, I think of the lepers our saviour cleansed, and that nine of the ten didn't even thank him.
When I see the ten, I think of the ten commandments that God handed down to Moses on a tablet of stone.
When I see the King, it reminds me that there is but one King of Heaven, God Almighty.
And when I see the Queen, I think of the blessed Virgin Mary who is the Queen of Heaven.
And the Jack or Knave is the Devil.

When I count the number of spots in a deck of cards, I find 365, the number of days in a year.
There are 52 cards, the number of weeks in a year.
There are four suits, the number of weeks in a month.
There are twelve picture cards, the number of months in a year.
There are thirteen tricks, the number of weeks in a quarter.

So you see, Sir, my deck of cards serves me as a bible, an almanac and a prayer book."

"And friends, this is a true story. I know, I was that soldier."

 

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Permalink Reply by Brendan Michael on May 9, 2012 at 4:33pm

Isn't it funny that when we guys find Miss Right, we soon find out that her first name is "Always".

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